skit #43: strict policy of nonhandedness

We have all witnessed when our host, Charlie, enters the men's public restroom, he assumes his urinal after carefully cross-weighing a gamut of criteria. The putrid amber broth of one bowl warns of long-stagnant piss; His rainbow's repugnant hues ordered from safest to grossest: blue, clear, green, chartreuse, yellow, amber. Stray deciduous pubes decorate the urinal's basin, casualties Charlie insists is crab-induced itching. Smudged handles are a gamble because they show the urinal has been flushed repeatedly at the cost of a careless custodian. Urinals bearing lewd graffiti are frequented by villains of low moral standards -- likely disease vectors.

Our host hobbles in only close enough for the urinal to receive his bounty. Fearing infection more than indiscretion, his monumental tool stands visible to the periphery of any neighboring urinators. Like a repentant sinner, he forcefully and direly empties his bladder. He throttles his plumbing of any residual impurities. He breathes scentless air through his mouth. He wants to flee.

But the most concerning behavior is at the end of his routine: the high-kick. Yes, the same high-kick to the flush handle we've been seeing for months now, afterwards leaving without washing his hands. His rubber soles squeak cheerfully, insulating him from the clammy linoleum tiling and the rest of the filthy filthy world. Such preposterous antics are not becoming of a bacterial colony of our stature.

We petition our host to live a life of dignity and normalcy, interacting with daily appliances as any good host should. An eccentric emissary is an unemployed emissary. Should Charlie continue to accrue such ignominy, his position will be terminated. No further warnings, very simple and professional. Charlie must get dirty.

We suspect hypochondria lies at the root of his reluctance to make use of the bathroom amenities. Every time he shakes a hand, every time pays with a paper bill, every time he turns a doorknob, he receives the germs of a thousand other high-kicking self-righteous Charlies. Charlie should know he is easily replaceable. The world is full of hosts who have humiliated their colonies so, desperate for another chance to host in glory.

But his actions cause deeper problems. His strict policy of nonhandedness hinders the colony's conquestorial ambitions. How are we to spread our domain under quarantine? Why, denying we germs the right to proliferate is evolutionary censorship!

One day as our host assumes his carefully selected urinal, he will falter and touch the sickly tile of the men's public restroom. On that day, we will launch our campaign. Until then, we are marooned on the embarrassing spectacle that is Charlie Umwitz.