skit #52: his dimensions, mass, dietary habits, lifespan

Olia squatted in mud for thirty-seven hours, sleeping two for every eight. Her patience and binoculars finally delivered her from squalor into her subject's parlor. Quite a dapper cock greeted her. His ebony feathers curled like tar-slicked tuxedo tails. On his head sat a rococo headdress -- part papal crown, part potted marigolds. His iridescent plumage alternated in mauve and maroon pinstripes. He loosed a curious mewl when picking a ripe coffee bean from the bush, and he loosed a guttural and lusty belch when courting a hen.

He began the mating ritual by clearing the forest floor of any twigs. He arranged a crude circle of snail shells to delineate his amorous arena. There he stood statuesquely; As Olia jostled her camera to make sure the film hadn't jammed, he exploded. His feet shuffled precisely like stenography. His head rolled slow coy loops. His splayed wing feathers undulated hypnotically. All these gestures carried on as he spun in tight drill-bit spirals, warbling madly. Olia briefly forgot whether she or the hen was being seduced.

Olia eventually spent the last rubles of her grant, so she left Papua to return to Russia with her findings.

No entries in her copy (or any fellow's copy) of the Royal Avian Compendium resembled the star of her thirty-seven hour film. Perhaps this was a rare form of melanism or dwarfism, though none of the possible nor impossible mutations could produce such a bird. Her research fellows were also uncertain of the bird's species; One fellow mentioned a premier position in her publication's byline might inspire him. If he was indeed undiscovered, Olia had no inkling as to how a bird so oblivious to discretion went unnoticed by the ornithological community.

She began identifying the bird with obtuse qualifications and scientific jargon. She described the colors in terms of sterile paint swatches rather than in the ethereal hues of heavenly bodies. She choreographed the dance-steps in terms of Labanotation rather than noted for their persuasive carnality. She approximated the rarity in terms of an observation-to-sighting ratio rather than by her undeserved serendipity. She transliterated his relentless lovesong to 'iririr-cwar-ir gwar' when crude and 'siliti-siliti gwar' when sultry. Many of the blanks she estimated: his dimensions, mass, dietary habits, lifespan.

Her submission was promptly accepted for inclusion by the Royal Avian Compendium. Her bird stood center-frame in a monochromatic picture labeled Paradisaea Oliae, just as unique as any entry under Birds of Paradise.